Im on my nostalgic flow.. Thinking about why we end up where we are and asking all those "What If?" Questions. I know I shouldnt but my curiousity is compelling my mind to wander.. So as I sit here still picking up the shards I look deep into each memory and cherish the love and warmth the each bring and remember each hug.. each kiss.. each laugh.. each blush.. INHALE.. And Release. Now i walk this path alone..
Alone isnt always bad.. But to being without him has me feeling like im on a slippery path to no where. Finding solace isnt as easy this time around.. I always bouced back but this time I fell hard.. It feels like the gravity done changed.. As I push up to stand my heart weighs me down and the air escapes my lungs.. Anger settles in.. I cant hate him so I hate myself for the way I feel about him.. But can I hate the feeling most people chase??
That Happy Exciting Breathless Mind Boggling sensation..
That keeps you either on your toes.. Or in the clouds..
I guess I dont hate the feeling its self but rather the loss of that feeling.
I hate that my mind tells me to be rational when my heart knows this is clearly not a white and black situation.. There are way to many undefined hues and tones to walk away with a sense of closure..
When He walked away I only pushed the door but its far from closed..
But thats not the position I want to be put in.. My heart does not have a revolving door on it.. So should I close it or should I make the exception for this man that has me all in a whirl..?
I feel so broken.. Although I am not define by a man.. I finnaly found a man that can define my wants and needs with just a smile and a laugh.. For once I looked in someones eyes and saw the future..
What a feeling.. For a moment the sorrows of the world evaporated and the mist lifted me to a dream land where happiness was eminent..
LOL I know what your thinking.. Im such a cornball.. but thats what happens when your actually happy. Im glad I felt what I felt.. Not to hot about losing that feeling.. But I will never lose the memories..
And so as I journey down this lonley road I can only hope the next road leads back to companionship..
